I think this will be the first of a series of rants regarding my ethnic, cultural and national identity. Feel free to draw conclusions and tell me what they are based on what you read below.
As most, if not all of you know, I was Albanian until the age of 13, then I moved to the US and nobody really cared what I was because everyone else is from somewhere that is not the US anyway. So in the 10 years I lived in New York, there was a mutual understanding between me and the people i talked to about this, meaning they knew that even though I said I was Albanian, i wasn't fully Albanian and even when i pretended to be American, they knew that i wasn't fully American because all of my friends were either born outside of the US or have parents who were born outside of the US. I'm sure that in the past ten years, I became more American or more of a New Yorker (we all know there's a difference). But until now, I have never had to choose between being American and being Albanian. In fact until I came to Spain, I never really had to say "I am from the United States" or "I am from New York". Whenever I have said those words in the past, it has been in the kind of environment where I thought people assumed me to be just another immigrant.
Now, when people ask me where I'm from, I tell them I'm from NY, only because that's where I'm going to school and to tell them that I'm Albanian sounds weird and is misleading. That may all sound dandy to you guys but when i get stupid remarks about American stereotypes thrown at me, that's when it gets really confusing, i get offended and I'm stuck in a situation that i haven't yet figured out how to resolve.
The theory that I had come up with over time to justify my lack of real identity went something like this: I am a citizen of the world, I hate political borders and cultural divides and I do not want to side with any one culture or country because I think all cultures of the world are great. In my dream world, the world would be like this and people would get along marvelously, but I think that this kind of theory is not only unrealistic, but also the easy way out for me - so that I wouldn't have to actually define myself. I don't think that picking is fair and I realistically can't say that I am only Albanian or only American, but I don't know how to explain myself in just a few words. I'm Albanian-American? the Spaniards would be scratching their heads for 24 hours and I'd start laughing so hard before I even finished saying the words.
I do feel like I am more of a New Yorker, but first of all that's not really a nationality. It is a culture, but a very broad one and it implies a lot more than what I want to be. Secondly, New York has an unfair advantage just because I am used to living there. Then again, I am getting used to living in Barcelona and there are so many things that I love about this place, but I'm not about to start calling myself Catalonian.
See my dilemma?
I don't have a place I call home (home is where my family is, but not a physical place). I don't feel Albanian even though technically I am, I don't feel American even though technically I'm half.
Is that bad? Should I try to decide between the two or a combination of the two or should I disregard the rest of the world and keep saying that i am a bit of everything and at the same time nothing at all?
All I know for sure is that I am a better, smarter, more knowledgeable person because of both cultures. Actually, not even Albanian-American fully describes me. And I know that I don't need to let the whole world know who I am and what I am, I'm just not ready to let them define me.
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